August 21, 2010

Purging is on my mind constantly. Im afraid to tell anyone because they might out me on LOS at all times and I really dont want that. I talked to Ashley last night and it helped some. well i was at least able to sleep.There are no staff i can talk to today i hope there will be someone i can talk to on evening shift. Im afraid that when i get out of here ill just go back to purging which in a way i really dont mind but i dont want to end up back here or anywhere else.
Ashley told me im here to boost my self-esteem and my self-image but how can i do that when i go home with all the comments maw and daddy make about me getting fat again?
Every time i look in the mirror its like im getting fatter and fatter and i hate it soooo much!!! When i get out of here i plan to lose all the weight ive gained and hopefully more!
Im thinking about restricting again but i dont want to cause i want out of here ASAP!! Its really not that bad being here its crazy sometimes and most of the staff are really nice:) I just want to go home so i can binge and purge..
I met a new girl yesterday her name is Erin and shes on 7A I wish she was over here. She here for anorexia so she would really understand :).
Last night i had a dream that i went home and the first day i was there i was in the bathroom debating on whether or not to purge but then i woke up.. It does kind of scare me because i dont know if ill go back or not but on the other hand it doesnt scare me..
I just ate lunch and i want to purge really bad . I want to eat without having this guilt and shame inside but i dont know how.. I need a lot of help and support especially when i go home but i know i wont get it all ill get is insults....

August 20, 2010

I know ive gained weight! I feel it! I hate it soo much!Why cant i just lose aa few pounds or keep my weight stable at where it was when i came in here? I feel angry at myself for letting my self gain weight and letting myself eat...



I HATE MYSELF!!!!!